Review: Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon

With a name which somewhat derives from the immortal Pink Floyd album name ‘Dark Side of the Moon’, Transformers 3 can be termed as an outright train-wreck, and not in a good way. I know it is a Michael Bay movie – the man who vomits SFX on screen without any sort of coherent plot . I had my apprehensions, and then I heard good reviews about this one being better than disastrous 2nd one. Someone even told me that it was better than the first one, and the 3D in this one was at par with Avatar. So, with all those thoughts in my head, I decided to bite the bullet. And here’s what I found out. Transformers 3 is actually, a remake of the second Transformers movie, done in 3D, with better SFX, at least SFX which can be visualised properly. Michael Bay seems to have learnt his job over the last two, and this clearly shows. But at the end of it all, when it takes some 2+ hours to finally arrive at the climactic battle, I was almost dozing off.

A few points that I’d like to discuss about the movie. [ Of course, due to the nature of this discussion, there are going to be plenty of spoilers strewn across the length of this post. But then, what spoiler can possibly spoil this movie anymore? ]

Sam Witwicky (Shia Lebouf) :

Sam seems to be still in his teenage angst era, as he struggles between finding appreciation for saving the world twice, and balancing his love life. His life is a bit opposite to what happened in part 2. In 2 – Sam wanted to be an average normal college going guy, whereas the world was ready to kiss his ass to save them from the Decepticons. Whereas now, Sam is the one being needy and all wannabe-heroic, whilst the world doesn’t give a shit about him. Also, he managed to dump sweaty Megan Fox for the ever pouty Carly (Rosie Huntington). Even so, Sam makes the most stupid of heroic decisions, gets jealous like a prick and has the most awkward family meetings with his folks. Well, that bit is not his fault. One thing I don’t understand is that although the same government awarded him with a medal, that annoying-as-hell MOD lady Mearing (not Ma’am Frances McDormand) gives a shit about what Sam did. Well, to be fair, even Sam’s girlfriend thinks he’s a loser and consoles him with fluffy bunnies. Why such third-world treatment to the boy who saved the first world, twice even?

Well, by the end, everyone realises how dumb ass they were for not trusting – The Messenger – Sam Witwicky, and they all start singing his praise as Sam – the messenger.

The supporting comic acts:

Sam’s parents, as always, are the most inappropriately awkward parents, who dress up in matching green tracksuit gear, and recommend their kid a book called – She Comes First [ Nightmare! ]. Ken Jeong, being the only Asian working in a big company, has to be the socially outcast one, who pulls out his secret documents from his crotch, and screams out loud – Deep Wang! Deep Wang! in 3 fucking dimensions. And John Malkovich converts, quite instantly, from being a OCD honcho to being Sam’s bitch. The only saviour in the whole array of characters is Alan Tudyk as Dutch, who is possibly the most badass hacker, as well as a schizophrenic assassin apparently. One more thing – if Ex-agent Simmons (John Turturro) is so good at what he does, why did the MOD fire him from Sector 7 in the first place. Watch the movie, and you’ll notice, that the climactic decisions were all being made by Simmons whilst that bitch not-Ma’am Mearing keeps on staring. Works out that Simmons and Mearing were an item. Pffft!

Carly (Rosie Huntington – Or as we say in Bollywood – Item Girl):

She has been cast as the Item Girl, whose only task in the entire movie is to keep her face and lipstick intact, no matter how many explosions happen. So, it does not matter that the entire city of Chicago has been reduced to ashes, Carly’s white dress would not have a single crease, and like a badass lady, she’d keep on pouting as hard as she can, flaunting off her recently magnified lips. And oh, just so that you do not dismiss her as being the damsel in distress, Michael Bay finds a perfect job for her. She’s going to be the one who poisons the mind of Megatron by saying – Megatron, you’re just going to be Sentinel’s Bitch. Haha, Kill me now!

Some questions about AutoBots / DECEPTICONS :

• How come some of them have fake Italian accents, others seem like to have descendants in Latin America?
• Why does Sentinel Prime have a metal goatee beard of sorts?
• So, we see that the Autobots and the Decepticons have a major weakness – If their eyes are being plucked out in Kill Bill style, it just reduces them to a sissy little bitch. Why did it take like 2.75 movies to figure that out?
• Where the fuck did Megatron come back from? Is the injury to his face supposed to be the only injury that was done to him from the first two movies? And above all, what’s with the scarf fashion?
• To quote what Epps says – Why is it that the Decepticons are the ones to get the good shit?

Finally – Michael Bay:

Okay, I am all praise for the director when it comes to sheer imagination of intricately choreographed action scenes. The slow-motion employed in the transition scenes and the bullet-time action works this time around. But dude, if it takes 30 minutes of movie-time just to blow up a pillar, just give me a statutory warning or something right in the beginning of the movie.

Having said that, I would go back to my first point –  there is almost 30 minutes of brilliant action choreography which shows the demolition of a skyscraper in eye-popping 3D. It is gorgeous for sure, but does that make it worth the entire trip, especially when the remaining parts are as jarring and obnoxious as possible ?

9e3k Rating: 2 Metal Slams out of 5

Tagged as: action, Aliens, Movies, Review, SuperHero