So, I finally convinced myself to sit through SALT, the new Angelina Jolie spy-thriller movie. Yeah, the one which is being raved about as the Jason Bourne movie minus the wiener, and you know, female parts etc etc. If you really walked in expecting stuff like Bourne or Bond, or even Ethan Hunt, let me just say it to you upfront, you’d be extremely disappointed. Because, even if you didn’t, disappointment reigns throughout this movie with its abundant doses of cliche’s, fail action sequences and overall lack of punch in the script. That’s enough talk! Let’s pin point and drill down the…
10 reasons why SALT is whack
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What’s with the blonde look?
Angelina Jolie is a pretty girl. True story. But the blonde look makes her look like a cross between 50 year old Samantha Jones and a pornstar look-alike. Seriously, who designed this look for her, and how the hell did she even agree to it? Moreover, her hair keeps changing throughout the course of the movie – from blonde to brunette (looks much better) to cut short to look like a dude – which brings us to our second point.
Jolie as a dude.. really?
I mean c’mon. This is not physically possible. With female parts as well-endowed as Miss Jolie who played Lara fucking Croft, how is it possible for her to wrap herself in that Russian military uniform and pose like a dude. Ok, so spy movies are never actually meant to mean a lot of sense, but this one’s simply a deal breaker.
Polish actors as Russians, planning on assasination of Russian president.. really?
Of course we have had people from different nations playing people from other nations. And of course BORAT is an onscreen legend from Kazakhstan. But that rrrrolling Russian accent with an evil plan to kill the Russian president – how can someone produce that as Movie worthy material. We watch that every fucking season on 24. And Jack Bauer nails it season after season.
We are gonna take their nuclear weapons..Huahaha
Spoiler alert: When Salt accomplishes her first mission, she goes to visit the Russian dude. And then, she asks him for the next step – he reveals in a very unflattering way, ” We are going to take over their Nuclear Weapons”. God! I didn’t realise they were after the BOMBS. Shoot me! Shoot me now! And then some more never ending Russian cliche’
Sistra! Chenkov. Kill some President. Drink some vodka. Huaahahaha. And then, back to killing spree!!
Killed with a Bottle – In the voice of Quake 3 Arena – HUMILIATION !!!
Yawn-worthy action sequences
For an action movie, there is no single scene which stands out as a truly well choreographed and well-executed action sequence. Maybe they could’ve hired Michael Bay for just a few days. That’s wishful thought innit.
The publicly available information of the Cathedral’s pipeline blueprint.
The blue print of Cathedral where the President is to visit is publicly available. Ok, so she is a Russian spy, and since Mickey Rourke’s whiplash can hack into US military ‘ mainframes’ (they just love to use that word in movies, don’t they – making IBM so happy), SALT can definitely do that too I suppose. Ok, fine!! I was falling short of a reason, so I pulled this one out.
The Lovely UI – as seen in all SPY Movies
Not powered by Google.
WTF happened to Chiwetel Ejiofor?
He is a brilliant actor, and I have loved his works in movies such as Kinky Boots, and the scifi classic – Serenity. Even in the disastrous disaster movie – 2012, his performance was quite commendable. But here, he is left with absolutely nothing – just nothing, zilch! Guess he needed something for the summer.
That’s the twist. Is that it?
So SALT is indeed SALT, and she is bad-ass. Yep, that’s the twist. Oh and yes, even though she was born and fed and nurtured by the Russians to build an American taste and all that shit, she decides that she indeed likes Brady Bunch, and that German dude too. So, she gets transformed into a double agent. Huaahahahahahaha!!! Up yours to everyone!
Sequel ready climax.. pfft.
That climax with the President being bitch slapped into unconsciousness was the biggest LOL moment of the movie. And actually the most entertaining moment as well. And then she just goes on firing, and killing, and escaping and trying to extend her role into a second movie. Pfffftttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!
One good reason why it has still earns a bit of respect – Jolie is multi-functional and versatile – she knows venoms, uses tampons to heal her injuries, makes perfect blends for appropriate explosions, and understands that even with bulletproof entry routes, concrete can never hold continuous bullet firing. And oh, handcuffs can also be lethal and not just kinky. Well done Jolie! Boo Hooo Salt!
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You’re one of the few that have taken this film for serious.
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